Dharma Rain - Stillpoint
In Their Own Words:
Reflections on Practice, Challenges and Aspirations,
Part Two
by inmates at Oregon State Penitentiary (OSP)
and Coffee Creek Correctional Facility (CCCF)
Compiled and presented by Randi Getsushin Brox
Practice
While individual commitments vary, almost all the inmates who contributed
to this article report that they have a practice of some kind. At first
the commitment may be simply to attend group meetings. The next step is
to start a sitting practice, first occasionally, then regularly. A woman
at Coffee Creek writes: “I sit for fifteen to twenty-five minutes
and just pay attention to movement in my body that is caused by the breath.”
Several people tell us that their commitment has gradually deepened over
time: “My
practice in the beginning was just to come to classes, and meditate when I
could find a quiet moment in the noisy and chaotic atmosphere in here. As I
progressed and saw that even the short meditations I did helped me to have
more calmness, I became a regular attendant of our Meditation group. Since
that time I have developed a daily practice that I can do no matter what is
going on around me. The noise becomes like your thoughts, you just do not make
a story around them, and you come back to your breath if distractions arise.”
A man at OSP describes his practice in the following way: “I have been
involved in Buddhist practice for two years now. I sit in the morning for one
hour; I take refuge and offer my day for the purpose of making others happy.
In the evening I practice a simple Vajrasattva ritual and visualization. I
sit for about thirty minutes, then dedicate merit. I also study for at least
two hours throughout the day.” He adds that he would like to make a formal
commitment soon.
A woman at CCCF tells us: “This practice is, I believe, the most important
thing I’ve done in the six years I’ve been in prison. I went from
meditating just once a week to meditating daily, and on some days I meditate
several times. I do sitting meditation daily, I do metta meditation several
times a week, and I also do a tonglen meditation sometimes. This practice allows
me to deal with soul-crushing stress without any meds. I took the precepts
eighteen months ago, and I have genuinely lived adhering to those as much as
I can.”
A man who has been in our OSP group since its inception in 1999 writes: “I
sit, breathe, and daily work on living the Eightfold Noble Path.”
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Benefits of Practice
In our groups we focus on transforming negative emotions (greed, anger
and ignorance) that lead to suffering into positive ones (love, compassion,
joy and equanimity). All the contributors acknowledge that the practice
has been of benefit to them.
One of our members writes: “My practice gives me a method to achieve
calm and a sense of safety.” Another comments: “My Buddhist meditation
helps me calm both my mind, body, and anxiety.” And a Vietnam vet tells
us: “Meditation made it easier for me to live with my PTSD and has
made me a lot better person.”
Anger and reactivity are significant problems in prison communities, and
learning to release the constant tension is transformative. A young man explains: “I
used to be angry all the time. Now I go days and weeks without getting angry.
I am very patient and tolerant. And I am happy most every day.”
A man on death row describes the impact meditation has had on his life
in this way: “I struggle with the written word and strange terms, but
I have found that with Buddhism, if you are exposed to it long enough it
begins to seep into your pores — at least the important aspects seem
to. When we first met I spent most of my time banging my head against the
wall, arguing, yelling and carrying on like an idiot. As I learned to breathe,
things greatly improved. Sitting, being present moment to moment, breathing,
I have begun to release the noise and the conflicts that inhabit my head.
I have to constantly practice this or it doesn’t work as well.”
A medium security woman confides: “I used to be so anxious and my mind
did a lot of chattering. When I feel my mind doing this I can meditate and
accept things as they are. I need not change a thing about what’s going
on around me. All I can do is change how I react to events outside of me.
I can be at peace with all types of people and events. I am learning how
to recognize certain emotions, allow myself to feel them in my body, let
them pass through, and not let them linger in my being. This has led to less
stress, less anger, fewer conflicts. I’m less judgmental of others.”
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Several of the writers reflect on the importance of staying in the present
moment: “The changes I feel are more peace inside and clarity in my
thoughts. I like being with myself much more these days. It’s helping
me with acceptance and letting go, and with staying in the here and now.”
“My meditation practice has helped me face each day. I used to be practically
suicidally depressed. Now I have the ability to focus on just this day, which
makes the long sentence tolerable. I’m far calmer, experience much
less anxiety, and am more focused and connected.”
“I have been using my practice to stay present. When my mind wants to go in
a million different directions I can come back to my breath, this moment,
and accept and appreciate my life right now.”
One of the benefits of practice is self acceptance. The teachings on Buddha
nature or “basic goodness” are extremely important for incarcerated
people, who are constantly being told that they are “bad” or “unworthy”.
Practice is helping them to let go of self-hatred and has given them a new
and more hopeful view of their own humanity.
One person writes: “Yes, my practice has definitely changed me, specifically
the concept of ‘basic goodness’. I think I always wanted to believe
in ‘basic goodness,’ but was constantly told that people are ‘bad’ and
must be ‘fixed.’ Becoming comfortable with this concept and applying
it to my life has allowed me to forgive myself, acknowledge my wholeness
and humanity, and value that summation of parts I call ‘me.’ It’s
from this place that I can deal most effectively and sanely with my life
and the people I interact with.” He continues: “The Dharma is
more than teachings to me. It has brought the dim spark of my true nature
out of its self-serving cocoon and helped me engage with wisdom my life moment
by moment. It has helped me remove the chains of guilt over the past and
anxiety about the future, and showed me how to live with joy for all of life’s
experiences, ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ It has given me the
hope I had as a child to be there for others, to see life as it really is,
and find compassion for all beings.”
Another explains: “My practice has brought me the ability to look at
whatever arises inside of me, find the source of it, and see what is really
going on. All thoughts and emotions are generated due to karma, and having
the ability to have compassion for myself, in the moment, frees me from the
self-hatred and delusion which were the source of my self-perpetuated destruction.
I know myself today and I accept myself — that is what my practice
has brought me. Not perfection, but acceptance.”
A young woman at CCCF succinctly sums up the transformation in the following
words: “My practice has changed me in so many aspects. I am a much
better listener, I recognize the patterns of my behaviors, I communicate
better, and I share the energy that I found within from my faithful practice.
It has allowed me to look within and love myself and the people around me.”
Her appetite whetted by the impact of meditation on her life, one of our
writers is looking forward to a future of continued practice. She tells us: “Meditation
helps me to not over-react, and it is truly amazing to me how much calm comes
to me from just sitting quietly. Spiritually I will never be the same, and
I look forward to the changes to come. I recommend spiritual practice and
meditation to everyone in the whole world! And, I actually suggest it to
various people as the opportunity shows itself. I know it has made me a calmer,
kinder and happier person, through the toughest of times. Which is not only
good for me, but also very helpful to those around me, and those who are
out there waiting for me. Buddhist practice can help anyone who honestly
wants some tranquility to replace the chaos of daily life, and all it requires
is a little time each day and a lot of dedication.”
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Challenges
For most of the respondents, the greatest challenge is their life within
the walls. To be locked into a tiny cell with an angry, difficult person
would be a challenge for any of us. A young man expresses it in the following
way: “My greatest challenge right now is my celly. He is pretty messed
up. Without my practice there is no way I could deal.”
Many people are struggling with a sense of powerlessness and injustice.
A man at OSP writes: “My greatest challenge right now is working on my
appeal process because I did not commit a crime. I’m fighting my way
out an innocent man. Not that anyone believes that. But that is my greatest
challenge right now.”
And a woman explains: “The greatest challenges I face are dealing with
the injustice of the situation, the loss of being directly in my children’s
lives, the fear for my future. My teachers have helped me tremendously to
face these challenges with courage and grace and wisdom which I could not
have mustered on my own. I need their constant, firm reminders that my own
goals are not to become bitter, but to nurture my Buddha-nature and become
a better person.”
Several of our contributors report that their greatest challenge is to
accept and forgive themselves. One of them writes: “I feel like I am making
inroads in dealing with the tremendous amount of anger and hatred I feel
for myself. I would say that this — my self-hatred and anger at the
horrid mistakes I have made — is my greatest challenge.”
Another expresses it this way: “My greatest challenge is being here
in prison, away from those I love, and forgiving myself for that. My practice
is very helpful in keeping me from going down a path of self-destructive
depression, sadness, anger, hate and malcontent.”
Yet another tells us that her greatest challenge is to believe in her own
potential: “My greatest challenge is believing in myself. My practice
helps me believe that I’m a lovable, caring, courageous, loyal, open,
honest young woman with her whole life ahead of her. If I didn’t have
my practice I wouldn’t be aware that I first need to believe and trust
myself.”
Some of the contributors are looking towards their release. A man at OSP
writes: “My challenge is to get out and do well. To be a father and
friend to my daughter. To be the best I can be.” For one of our “lifers,” on
the other hand, the challenge is uncertainty. He explains: “My greatest
challenge right now is getting out in 2008, but the practice has made it
so it’s okay. If I do or don’t, I just live in each moment, and
it’s wonderful!”
Several people write about being torn between withdrawal and involvement
with others. For a woman with more than twenty years of incarceration ahead,
withdrawal was the first option, but it didn’t work in the long run.
She explains: “My greatest challenge at this time in my life is boredom.
I feel like I need to reach out and help others more and can’t. So
yes, coming to terms with my current situation is a direct result of my Buddhist
practice.”
Another woman is torn between withdrawal and family involvement. She expresses
the conflict in this way: “I think my greatest challenge at this point
is that I ‘live’ outside a lot. I feel the need to call home
a lot. I think I have some kind of ‘control’ over the outside
life with my spouse and children. I have a hard time accepting the constant
nagging I hear from home. Sometimes I want to just withdraw. Do I? Or is
it another cop-out?”
And a man who had withdrawn into spiritual practice at the expense of involvement
with others is starting to question his motivation: “The greatest challenge
in my life is to stay engaged instead of pulling back from life’s moment
by moment progression. I also struggle with my ego’s desires for finding
the ‘perfect’ guru, book, teaching, etc. My practice is helping
me with this because I am constantly aware of my pathetic attempts to coddle
myself rather than do what would benefit others the most. At times I can
see the spontaneous arising of unbiased compassion, so I know things are
changing in my mindstream.”
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Aspirations
All our contributors would like to heal from the wounds of the past, live
happy lives, and use their potential in a constructive way. One person
writes: “I want to be happy — no matter where I am.” Another
tells us: “My aspiration for the future is to carry my practice through
each day of my life. All that I face does not overwhelm me when I simply
take one breath at a time.” Yet another states: “My aspirations
for the future are to try and live up to my potential and use the gifts
God gave me, because if I don’t, I won’t get them again.”
Many express an aspiration to reach out to others: “I hope, through
continued study, introspection and practice, to become a spiritually and
emotionally healthy being. I hope to be able to help others who are in pain
or suffering in some way. I hope to be able to set a good example for my
children, and possibly be a force for good in their lives. I hope to one
day be free from the hatred and anger I feel towards myself.”
Some have concrete plans for the future: “I would like to create a
recovery center for domestic violence victims to truly heal. I would like
to change the laws about domestic violence. I want to continue to nurture
the good relationships I have with my friends and family. I would like to
help contribute to restorative justice, and I really aspire to surf warm,
clean waves.”
Others are more tentative: “In ten, fifteen years I’d like to
be involved in some project to help people recover from life’s difficulties
and suffering. I kinda want to work outside the country because it would
be great to see the world and bring help instead of bringing war.”
Some aspire to live a peaceful, loving life with their family: “I want
that peace that surpasses all understanding. Then I would love to help others
reach this also. I want joy in my life as well as in the lives of my children,
husband, and all humanity.”
“My aspiration for the future is to live my life through my practice.
I want to have a loving life with a family of my own, that’s secure
and stable in every moment of every day.”
A person with many years of incarceration ahead wants to reach out to people
inside the prison walls: “My aspiration for the future is to be of
support and a positive example to all those I come into contact with inside
these prison walls, to be of help to at least one other life force in need.”
Finally, one person aspires “to represent the Buddhist practice in
the way that I am instructed, as I hope to be of benefit.” Another
would like to “become a Bodhisattva, to work to help all beings be
free of samsara even if it means that I have to continue the cycles of birth
and death to do it. I truly wish all beings happiness and the causes of happiness!”
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Gratitude
Gratitude is an important part of Buddhist practice, and many of the contributors
include statements of gratitude both for the practice and for the volunteers
who are making it available to them.
“I am so thankful for my practice. It has changed my life.”
“Thank you for being here and sharing your time and great wisdom with
all of us.”
“If I had only one thing to share it would be that I am grateful for
being accepted into this practice, and for the people who volunteer their
time
so we may practice Buddhism.”
“Our volunteers are some of the only people in the community we see
and connect with, and knowing that there are at least a few people who have
compassion
towards us helps me quell some of my fear of facing society. They are the
examples of calm, compassionate, wise people to model — and I strive
to become as benevolent and effective.”
“I want to express my deep appreciation for our Buddhist Meditation
group and my humble gratitude to our teachers.”
“The last thing I would like to say is: I would not be the woman I
am today without the classes and teachings I have been exposed to in our
Meditation
group. Whenever I was at a place I just could not deal with, the Dharma talks
helped me to see the Truth in each trial. I am grateful beyond words for
your diligence and generosity. All I can say is: Thank you ...”
Conclusion
Our own main aspiration in doing this work is to sow seeds. My contact
with prison inmates started in 1997 in response to a letter from two men
on
death row who wanted to learn about eastern religions. Today we meet with
several dozen people at OSP and CCCF every month. Reflecting on this expansion,
one of the men who sent the original letter of inquiry writes: “This
is a place filled with negative karma. When you arrived here we began working
on my karma, but as time went on you became more active here at OSP with
others, which has had a ripple effect on the overall karma of this place.
There are more people working on their individual karma — softening
the hard, negative edge, ever so slightly — yet felt even where I
am.”
We want to express our gratitude to the people who so graciously shared
their thoughts and insights in this article, and to all the inmates we
have had
the privilege to interact with in and out of our groups over several years.
They have contributed to our practice and growth at least as much as we
have contributed to theirs.
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